For anyone who shops without me, you have my deepest sympathy.

The experience of shopping is hardly a pleasure anymore.  It’s a job unto itself.  While shopping is something I do with aplomb, this doesn’t mean I love the experience any more than you do.

Are you shocked and in disbelief?

This won’t be hard for you to believe, but both of my grandfathers were retailers.  My mother’s father owned a plumbing and hardware supply business on Chicago’s south side with his brother, and my father’s father – who I was named after – owned a footwear retailer also on Chicago’s south side.  So retailing is in my DNA and I get it at a cellular level, as my therapist would say.  Without ever knowing Grandpa Joe, I can totally envision his customer service through stories my dad shared.  Grandpa Harvey developed a neighborhood clientele who trusted and did business with him and his brother for many years.

Maybe this genetic coding is why I can go from being poised to pissed-off while shopping.  You’d never see me visibly turn into a shopping vampire, though.  Instead, I will take a Haagen-Dazs or a Sprinkles cupcake break and then get back on track.  Yay for sweet treats.  But what are the things that make a skilled shopper loose his cool?  I’ll bet no money they’re the same things that make you stop for Haagen-Dazs and Sprinkles cupcakes, too.

First, let’s look at Customer Service. What service?  At very few retailers will you find honest to goodness real service anymore.  “Can I hold those items for you at the counter,” is not service.  That’s a clerk who wants to ring up an eventual sale and wants to claim you before another clerk does.  “Can I put that [bag] into a shopping bag for you?” is a clerk’s excuse to make small talk with you to find out what you’ve all ready bought because they think you’ve money to burn and maybe you’ll burn a bit more with them because they gave you another damned bag!

This one, which happened at Macy’s, really lights my shorts on fire: “I can’t help you. I have to go to lunch. Here’s a printout of where the item is available.”  I took the printout and crunched it up in front of her and threw it in the trash.  That’s what I thought of her brand of service.

If you’ve been shopping at stores lately, you’ll attest at just how messy they are, especially at Macy’s.  While they stock huge amounts of merchandise, they also always look a post-bomb disaster area.  They actually make Costco look tidy and well ordered!  If you weren’t me, you wouldn’t want to be there, either.  So it’s pure sweet irony that one day last week, while working with clients in a semi-private dressing area, their “SWAT team” of clean-up people came through and took the specially chosen clothes that we were working with right out from under our noses.  I had to personally chase down the rack of clothes.  If only that efficiency could be used to keep the whole store neat and clean for all shoppers.

Genuinely stated compliments are one thing, but tired, flippant comments are deplorable.  “Oooh, I love your bag,” oozed one sales associate today just dying to start a conversation.  Try harder, honey!  I actually think all sales associates at Michael Kors stores throughout California have been trained to compliment customers on their bags because I can’t walk into one of their stores without receiving one of these saccharine compliments from one of their saucy, android associates.

Customers should be made to feel welcome by not being judged.  Positive comments are judgments, too.  I’m not there to be judged, just to do my job and to do it well.  When shopping is supposed to be for your pleasure, the last thing you want is to be judged by someone who has no place doing any judging.

Then there’s the latest “I’m a stylist,” phenomenon.  You’ll hear this from sales associates at independent boutiques throughout the area.  Have they been overexposed to the TJ Maxx commercial?  What is the sexy benefit of saying you’re a stylist when a brand designer retailer employs you?  To me, it’s like saying you’re a comedian, but the only joke you tell are knock-knocks.

Sales associates and clerks at stores will toss out all kinds of merchandise at you in the hopes that you are willing to take their “suggestions” at their word.  Surely there is a rare breed of sales professional that is relationship oriented and looks out for your best interests.

When you go shopping, you not only have to seek out the right clothing that suits your personality, goals, coloring, and style.  That alone is enough work.  But when you go shopping in a new or different store or department, you also have the burden of shopping for the right assistance.  Never have your goods taken by a clerk, refuse to be dressed by a “stylist,” and always do your best to be served by a professional.

Sometimes, ladies and gentlemen, with so much at stake, it’s absolutely worth hiring someone who you trust implicitly to do your wardrobe shopping for you.  I love providing the highest level of attention, service, education, and consulting to my clients.

Joseph Rosenfeld helps high-profile individuals revitalize, manage, and be secure in their personal visual brand. Visit JosephRosenfeld.com for details.